Agains

It’s not that I’m ignoring the pain, or that the pain even needs acknowledging, it’s just…. I need to get down to the nitty-gritty to put every single little feeling down on paper, before my brain turns censored.

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Because I’ve done it before, and I’m doing it again:

I’m writing publicly about my miscarriages.

Did you notice the ‘s’ in the previous sentence?

That one little letter, that pluralizing squiggle, it stings.

Sometimes you welcome a second chance at certain life events. You readily enjoy another experience more than the first time.  You can perfect what needs correcting. In rare occasions sequels actually do get better reviews.

Well as a miscarriage survivor reliving every event I swore off ever thinking about again so-help-me-God, I’ll tell you this first: it doesn’t get easier.

I knew what it was like for the ultrasound tech to shake her head in doubt.

I understood that small crown to rump measurements truly spelled trouble.

Before the doctor uttered her condolences, I already processed her apology.

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Again, I question everything.

Again, I wonder why.

Again, I hurt. I cry. I yell, and I break things.

Again, I finally have a glass of wine in 5 weeks, a much certainly needed reprieve from heartache.

And again, I breathe deeply.

 

The texts and phone calls to support networks do not hurt, but hearing your sorrow for our loss brings out the raw sadness.  I appreciate all the words and thoughts and prayers. I love the messages, which I’m sorry I tritely return.  It all fills my void right now.

Next? genetic counseling and an OB who specializes in this world of crummy news.  (I mean, come on, can we say “Angel”?).

But again?

Again.

This is not the end, it is only a chapter.

Starting the next chapter, again.

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  • Nina

    You know what’s the only part of this post I like? The hope you still have! You have a plan and you got a lot of fight left in you. Thinking about you always,
    Nina

    • http://CrowningVictoria.com/ CrowndVic

      that hope is a valuable thing – as you know. fighting the fight right alongside you, friend. We’ve got this; we’ve got each other, too!

  • jenniferalsoknownasthewife

    As soon as I read the title to the post I had a sinking feeling of what lay in the body. I’m sorry you have to go through this once let alone twice. I watched too many of my friends suffer through road blocks to expanding their family but I have heard so many happy stories recently. I hope you’re the next happy story I hear.

    • http://CrowningVictoria.com/ CrowndVic

      I really appreciate your words, Jenn. I’m hopeful to share that happy story, too!

  • Sus

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through this again Victoria. One is surely more than enough for anyone. Hugs from another miscarriage survivor to another.

    • http://CrowningVictoria.com/ CrowndVic

      Thank you for your support. I’m so sorry you know this pain, as well.

  • Kat

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve been there and can understand your pain.

  • Jayme Tate

    Oh Vicki (((hugs)))

    I just don’t understand why this crap happens to those who would make the most amazing parents, and those who want it more than anything :(