Before we launch into my concerns, firstly I need to make sure I loudly and clearly state: no matter the gender of our baby, I will love it whole heatedly. Our journey to get here was not easy and I am more than excited to welcome a healthy, happy, girl or boy into our family.
But if I’m being totally honest here, I am pinning for a healthy girl.
It’s not because I’m scared of boy messes or penises,
but seriously though, baby erections?! being pee’d on?! Mud, dirt, grime, scrapes, bruises, inevitable ER trips?!
It’s not because I’m a girl with a sister and nieces,
and I have a gagillion pink hand-me-down onesies, tutus, already lived through my own teenagedom and coming of womanhood.
It’s not because of the higher rate of autism, ADHD, or higher activity level,
however there are very calm boys, healthy boys, and adept men in this world.
It’s just that, after our last two losses were girls* – I simply want that chance, taken away from me twice.
And I know, there always exists an opportunity the next baby born, or the next, or the next, or what have you – will be a girl. I know I always have my nieces to fill that void, paint my nails, shop with, dress up, or play princesses. Boys cuddle, boys love, and boys lack that emotional predictability girls posses oh so well. Of course, any girl can have a boyish personality, hate pink, despise ballet lessons, or end up demanding overalls over skirts.
But to put a little closure on what was, what might have been, the opportunities torn from my womb – I want a girl, with all the emotions and puberty and dating whomever her heart
drags in desires.
I spent the entire hour of therapy discussing how the baby currently thriving inside me does not negate what happened before, nor can it rectify. What is now, is for the present. This baby is not representative of the past, does not attach to the past, and cannot replace losses.
But still….wouldn’t it be a pleasant coincidence to have a girl? (And also a very nice, wonderful blessing to have a boy)
However – my maternal instinct, my gut feeling, says this growing babe is a boy.
So can you help me get ready for our anatomy scan on July 30 (never mind the lingering fear that comes with all scans for me)?
Comment below, please, and tell me all the wonders, outwardly stated and otherwise implied, boys bring. Suspenders and fedoras might be my new tulle skirts and tiaras. It’s time to get excited about boys and their, um, glory – bathroom messes and all!
(For what it’s worth, before we started down this whole path of TTC, I always wanted to be a boy-mom!)
*For those curious, during the two recent missed miscarriages and resulting D&C procedures, I opted for karyotyping. This test allows for the chromosomes to be studied to determine a resulting cause of failure. In both cases, each baby had a third copy of a chromosome, called a trisomy. Trisomies are the leading cause of natural miscarriage (at an almost 1 in 4 chance of loss). Typically we all have two copies of each chromosome. Only trisomy 21 (three copies of the 21st chromosome) or Down’s Syndrome, results in a viable pregnancy. Otherwise trisomies mostly result in a non-viable pregnancy or non-compatibility with life, even if carried to term and birthed. Biology lesson aside, when you run karyotpying and look at all the chromosome you also see the XX or XY combo. Both the recent losses were girls, precious XX combos staring me in the face on the results. Which also supports my guess that this baby is a boy, because my girls just didn’t thrive in-utero.