My Favorite Gift

A year ago today I endured my third D&C procedure for a baby that wasn’t meant to be.  I buried another failed pregnancy, birthed another angel instead of a baby.  The calendar still haunts me and pregnancy after loss still challenges me, still at 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

There’s much to share and know about PAL (pregnancy after loss) and much I keep inside.  Mostly I feel of utmost importance to relate, is that the grief and struggle don’t fade with the journey.  There are other things keeping my heart occupied, namely the little boy squirming around in my abdomen.  Hope over fear.

I recall in the midst of trying to conceive a viable pregnancy during the last school year, at one point I signed four congratulatory cards (simultaneously) for others’ pregnancies.  Almost comical, because how did I become that one person to fail among five, in that moment? I sang the same song: happy for them, sad for me.

Yesterday I received what I think might be my favorite gift for me, during this wonderful, viable, chance-at-life pregnancy. During a staff meeting, my colleagues gifted me registry items along with a card – a card signed by the entire staff.

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Pregnancy after loss is full of doubt, concern, and trust issues.  There are many times I wonder if I really will birth a live baby after all this.  I force myself to wash tiny clothes, find excitement in being able to drop serious cash on diapers, and call myself a “courageous mama” – choosing hope over fear.  The myriad of hormones surely don’t help the questioning thoughts which creep in from time to time. But the support and the love remind me that there is much reason to believe in this baby.

That card will never be discarded, or lost.  In fact, that card might need to be packed in my hospital bag.

That card reminds me that this is my turn, my baby, my chance at life.

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